Where?

I appear to be calm on the surface, like what my name suggests, but no one could ever imagine how violent the undercurrents can get beneath the facade of my pseudo serenity. I can feel absolutely blissful one moment (like yesterday) to feeling so helpless (like now) like I'm the only one who would fend for myself when the sky comes crumbling down.

For the past 3 hours, I've been experiencing ultimate ambivalence. I'm so so happy for my best friends, both of them, for finding their true love. Finding the right one who possesses the unique power to help them pull thru the toughest time and to give them everlasting happiness. And the happiness I have for them can't get any stronger or more genuine. They are perfect for each other like puzzle pieces. One look and you'll know that you are gonna be at their wedding one day.

Then, I can't help but think of myself and the tough times I've had. The tough times that I had to battle singlehandedly. And the nights that I allow myself to breakdown. Because only in the dark, no one could see.

And it's precisely no one could see that I thought to myself that no one could possibly care for me because they don't even know. But I'm just creating this pathetic delusion for myself. Because I know that even if anyone knows, no one would care about what I'm going thru. They just don't have the time and they don't have anything to do with me anyway.

Then you would say your family would care for you. Yes they do. But the kind of care they give aren't the kind I need.

Mom: (me studying) "so stress, don't study already luh."
Dad: (me studying) "you know how to do one or not? Don't know ask people to help you."

Mom, not studying doesn't help to relieve my stress and Dad, your trust and faith is what I need, not your doubts on my ability.

I've been really miserable and is still miserable now because the two person that I can rely on most fail to give me what I need. But I don't want to blame them. This is when I hope for someone who understands my misery to pull me thru.

But feeling so helpless is also what made me grow and realised some things in life.

The happiness and sadness in me are now intertwined. I don't even know what this is.

I am contented with life materially. But I'm an emotional wreck.

Do I not deserve a special someone?

My back hurts so much. But it can't hurt more than my tormented soul.